TOPSHOP AT LONDON FASHION WEEK

In which I remember not to derelict anyone’s balls. (Apart from yours Davy Crocket)

This Saturday the devils paid a visit to the Topshop Unique A/W 2010 show. The catwalk was decked out like an unfriendly forest and guests were given handy survival cards to take away with them. I’m not sure how useful a ball point pen, pair of tweezers and magnifying glass would be in a fix, seems more like a school trip survival guide. Quick, somebody pass me a light emitting diode now!

I have always thought the children’s nursery rhyme entitled (innocuously enough) ‘The Teddy Bear’s Picnic’ was pretty dark. ‘If you go down to the woods today, you’d better go in disguise’ is nothing short of menacing, because you know what will happen if you don’t, you’ll get eaten. And it won’t be tidy. Because ‘every bear that ever there was is gathered there together because, today’s the day the teddy bears have their picnic.” You are that picnic.

The Unique collection made me feel a little like somebody’s lunch. The characters on the catwalk were hunters, and they would fist fight you for your gloves. Beaver and badger head hats sat atop vast bushes of crimped hair that just screamed fire hazard (perhaps that was what we were meant to do with our magnifying glasses…?) Faces were terracotta and muddy and the models all walked from the pit of their stomachs. The clothes were hardy, rugged, and there were one too many leather straps for my liking.

It looked like









It sounded like the theme from Peter and the Wolf and the Yeah Yeah Yeahs.

It tasted like apple and rhubarb, champagne and mushroom mush. Very forest floor darling.

Celebs we spotted: Nicola Roberts looking very beautiful and Peaches Geldof, looking very bedraggled.